how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
