checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
