His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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