dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
