Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
