watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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