Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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