I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
