I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
