i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
