ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
