i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
