you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
