i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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