I faked an abortion last night.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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