if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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