Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
