my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
