I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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