her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
