Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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