12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
