every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
