Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
