my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
