so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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