Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
found the other keg... it's in the tree
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
