Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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