How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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