I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
