He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
