How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
last night I used snow as a chaser
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
