As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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