Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We have started to decorate penises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
