Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
