college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Randomize
