Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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