The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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