I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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