i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
