I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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