Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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