Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
