He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
