Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Two words: nipple clamps
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