hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
