life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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