i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
