I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She bit a glass in half.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
