All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
