Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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