Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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