:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
