this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
