he puts the penis in happiness.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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