I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
