I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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