i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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