I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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